


and if I crash I'm made of steel

by cassiecasyl



Series: febuwhump 2021 [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Basically following canon up to Infinity War, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Daddy Issues, Depression, FebuWhump2021, Gen, Howard Stark can rot in hell, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Self-Destruction, Self-Worth Issues, Song: charity (YUNGBLUD), Suicide Attempt, Survivor Guilt, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric, Tony has been through a lot, Trauma, Whump, not edited we die like persons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:34:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29195373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassiecasyl/pseuds/cassiecasyl
Summary: Tony Stark’s life is filled with trauma. It's just another constant he carries with him. But the one fact that finally breaks him is his survival.
Relationships: Howard Stark & Tony Stark, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Tony Stark & Avengers Team
Series: febuwhump 2021 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2143485
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	and if I crash I'm made of steel

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags for trigger warnings! (there's nothing really graphic, but please be careful.)
> 
> prompt: febuwhump day 4 - impaling  
> there isn't much impaling in this fic, but it was inspired by the prompt, so that counts, right? 
> 
> I wrote this last night pretty much in one sitting, so enjoy! 
> 
> title taken from [charity](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zguX9hq8fp8) by YUNGBLUD

“Maybe we should donate your brain to charity,” Howard says, after Tony’s first attempt. He’s slightly drunk and quite frankly, he seems kind of out of it as he sits in his chair in the living room, opposite to Tony. “Maybe then we’ll know why you’re such a failure. Maybe then finally something useful comes out of you.” 

_Failure._ The word stings, even after having heard it countless times. He would never be enough. He didn’t even manage to die right. Then again, he’s the son of someone who ignores his family in favor of searching for a presumed dead superhero. Maybe it rubbed off or something, in those nights when Howard listed off all the ways in which Tony would never amount to Captain America. Maybe, this is what he was trying to do. 

He decides to go with that, though he never says it out loud. Deep down he knows it wasn’t his intention, he remembers and it _hurts,_ but at least there’s something soothing about this thought. 

The following weeks, Tony notices how the pills his mother sometimes took, the ones he had stolen, vanish from their usual hiding spot to another. He finds them later the same week, and presses down the urge to take them. It hadn’t worked the first time. He could go with the scientific approach, testing it again to see whether he’d get the same result, but the way his mother had cried every night for a week after he tried the first time makes him hesitate. Instead, he turns to his father’s stash of alcohol. 

Since then, the bottle in his hand is a constant companion. He technically knows that he’s too young to drink, that it’s illegal or whatever, and breeding ground for scandals. Something Howard has beaten into him not to cause. But it’s okay because it grants him an escape in a way sleeping doesn’t manage anymore, and in a few months, he’d be sent off to college anyway. He’d be free, somewhat. 

The first person to ever intervene is Rhodey. He cares enough to look right through Tony’s lies of _I’m fine_ , the first to ever really do so. Sure, Jarvis tried, but he was bound by Howard’s command to a point. It’s new and scary and something he told himself was a master of avoiding, but Rhodey still drags him to his first meeting at Anonymous Alcoholics. Like he’s some kind of nutcase with a problem. It’s ridiculous, really. He’s a fuck-up with a lot of problems, and his extensive use of alcohol is the least of his troubles, but maybe the most obvious one. He isn’t addicted to alcohol, as much as they love to shove that ugly word down his throat. Maybe, that should’ve been his first sign. 

Rhodey becomes a constant, and Tony isn’t used to constants. There’s this fear that he’d leave, some day, but he stays through fuck up after fuck up. He stays when they leave uni and go their separate ways. Rhodey stays in touch, is the first to be there when the news of his parents’ death hits, when he takes on the load of Stark Industries. 

Maybe constants aren’t a bad thing, like in physics, when he has to consider all those complicated factors and constants are the easiest ones. They stay the same, over millennia. Like gravity, the thing he so often wishes to overcome, to shake its shackles off and just fly, be free. But, it is there, and it means the earth wants him. Even when the people are against him, the planet still holds him close. Rhodey is one of those good constants. 

Then, he gets kidnapped, and his body is destroyed and his head takes darker paths than it had in years. He taps against the device that shields his heart somewhat against the debris that wants to kill it, that aimed their weapons at it to make it cower, just like they did. Those people that took him, and killed Yinsen. Who killed that soldier who just wanted to take a photo with him. Somebody is dead because of him. _A lot of people_ are dead because of him. He feels sick. 

Pepper becomes a constant. He’s surrounded by those nowadays, and he can’t believe how lucky he is. He doesn’t deserve it. Pepper had been so close to quitting a lot of times, with everything he puts her through in his executive dysfunction. He’s still a fuck-up, maybe a little better now that he’s got freedom, somewhat at least, but sometimes it’s still like Howard breathes down his neck, chanting _not enough, not enough, not enough_. But she’s there when he comes back from Afghanistan, and that’s when he knows she’s a constant. 

Another constant is stripped from him not long after, but it turns out to be a bad one. Tony should’ve never trusted his father’s faith in Obie, but he’d been there for a long time that he’d forgotten to question it. It was his fault he turned on him. He wasn’t enough of a Stark after all. Stark men are made of steel, unyielding and cold. Howard never had a heart, and maybe that’s why he couldn’t see his friend’s jealousy. Maybe that’s why there’s debris aimed at his heart now. It’s haunting him, and he doesn’t know what to do. 

Tony thinks about it, again and again. They’re not called intrusive thoughts for nothing. But he can’t, not with Yinsen’s dying wish on his conscience. So, he turns it all around, stops producing weapons, goes all in with science and new technology. It’s his enterprise, after all, he can do with it what he wants. 

He becomes Iron Man. Tony plays the hero he never feels like he is, but if it helps people, it’s all the same. He turns his back on gravity, and flies off in a suit that’s all him. 100% Tony Stark, developed in a cave, and 0% Howard. Here, high up in the sky, he’s finally free. 

Until the sky itself becomes the threat. He flies the nuke into the wormhole, watches the explosion of their enemies as it becomes dark and he can’t breathe. It’s fine though, he did what he had to: he saved the world. If that was wasting his life, he didn’t know what wasn’t. And he’d done a lot of wasting his life. 

The Avengers become a constant. By now, he easily gives in to the sense of security he gets from their found family. Tony builds them a tower, makes sure they’re safe and cared for. And if he’s selfish and keeps them closer than intended, then nobody has to know. Even Captain America, golden poster child that his father always put over him isn’t as bad as he’d made him out to be in his head. Maybe, he’s allowed to heal from his oldest wounds, he thinks then. He could really get used to it. 

He dreams of an armor for the world, a counter for his nightmares. The dream shatters. He’s warned, that he’s gonna be the one to survive, and they’re all dead there on the battlefield, and he failed them, _not enough, failure, you could’ve saved us_. He knows he’s a survivor. Stark men are made of iron, and Tony is made of the same alloy his suit is. He prepares to lose them, to cut another constant out of his life. He’s not prepared for the threat to come from within. 

In a way, it’s Howard screwing him over all over again. Steve was his hero, the one he cared for more than his family, and it still stings in those lonely nights, but he thought Steve was his friend. Now, he’d chosen his old childhood friend turned Hydra assassin over Tony - there’s always someone more important than Tony - and it’d broken the Avengers apart. 

The one thing that keeps him alive are the voicemails the kid leaves Happy. Happy didn’t care much for them, he’d groan the same way he always did when Tony rambled science at him, but he knew it wasn’t because he didn’t care. The driver turned head of security is the third constant in Tony’s life, and he doesn’t break away that easily. Granted, he isn’t often at the front lines of Tony’s fuck-ups, but he still cares enough that Tony decided to lie his safety and the safety of the ones he loves in his hands. 

Tony doesn’t dare to make Peter another constant, doesn’t give him the chance to. The kid is so good, pure in a way Tony never was. He’s easily the best person Tony has ever met and he doesn’t dare to ruin it by being in his vicinity, so he stays away. He lets the kid’s rambles carry him through the nights when the Accords make his head hurt and Ross is breathing down his neck like Howard liked to do and he just misses the team. He makes sure Peter’s safe, checks up on his suit once in a while. Still, they’re drifting towards each other, and however much Tony doesn’t want it, not after the recent betrayal of his friends, not when Rhodey is still trying to walk normally, _his fault,_ but Peter already weaseled himself into his old, weak heart. 

A weird feeling settles in his gut as the kid reveals himself on that spaceship. He should’ve never gotten him involved in the first place. He should be back on Earth right now, helping defend it there, keeping civilians safe. Looking out for the little guy, just what Spider-Man does. But then he spouts that nonsense about there not being any neighborhoods anymore, and Tony thinks maybe he’s right. He doesn’t allow himself to panic right then and there, and it’s too late to send Peter back down anyway. They’re stuck here. 

When Thanos impales him with his own weapon he already knows it’s a losing battle. They’re trapped on an alien planet with no hope and a plan only the wizard understood. One out of millions of possibilities, and he had to give up the stone to ensure their eventual victory. Tony’s not sure he trusts him. 

For a moment, he’s back in the desert, next to that missile that bore his name in more ways than one, a reminder of Howard’s toxic hold over his life. But his suit is all Tony, and when it's used against him, it’s almost self-destruction, isn’t it? Thanos plagued his mind for all those years, caused nightmares after panic attacks, and now he’s impaling him with his own suit. It’s almost fitting how that’s the end, self-destruction at the hand of his tormentor, fighting in a lost battle for Earth. 

He wishes it was. As the Guardians disappear, one by one, and they take the wizard with them, that heavy feeling in his guts perks up again. He looks over to Peter, hoping, pleading, _not him_. Take him instead, he’s at the verge of collapsing anyway, bleeding from his stomach, with probably a few damaged organs. Anything, just not the kid. 

Peter knows before it happens, his spidey senses must’ve warned him, and he stumbles towards Tony in the search of comfort. He’s confused and so scared, and it makes it all the more horrifying. _No_ , Tony breathes. He leaves with an apology on his lips and Tony breaks. 

Rhodey finds him with whiskey on his tongue, months after they made it back to Earth. He’s still alive, as are Pepper and Happy, and he wants to thank the universe for the kindness, but he can’t, because the kid is dead, and half of the universe is dead, and it’s all his fault. Wanda warned him, didn’t she? Why didn’t he listen? _You could have saved us_ . He tried, goddamnit, he tried, but he’s still never enough. _I’m sorry_. He can’t breathe. 

“Come on, Tony, let’s get you to bed,” Rhodey says and removes the bottle from his hands. He makes grabby motions at him, but he’s too weak to fight. Everything is a blur, but the one thing that should be is crystal clear and he can’t breathe. 

“I- I lost the kid,” he hiccups as Rhodey maneuvers him to bed. 

“I know,” his best friend sighs, heavy with grief himself. They’ve all lost something. “But he wouldn’t want you to waste away like that.” Tony nods. He knows. But, he wasn’t enough to save him. Once, in a battle that seems like a lifetime ago, he flew a nuke into a wormhole, and he thought, that’s it. He thought his life was given away to save the world, and he’d kept the promise of not wasting it. Now, it was only a milestone to a much bigger battle that they’ve lost. 

Sometimes, he flies into the street and helps the people there. He’s drunk most of the time just to keep the memories at bay. Iron Man sweeps in to help out the little guy, stopping robberies and giving tourists directions. Just like Spider-Man did, before he was taken. It’s his way to honor his memory, and it keeps him away from all the scratched projects in his labs that he keeps hitting blanks on. Nothing made sense anymore, and there was no way out, no way to bring them back. 

He knows from Friday’s logs that it’s more than once he’s barely missed a building while flying. Tony doesn’t have it in him to care, though. He’s a survivor, and it’s just another of those bad constants he drags around with him. If he crashes, well, Stark men are made of iron. Indestructible. The danger is better than not going out at all and sinking into a hole in his workshop. It’s a surprise that even Pepper and Rhodey agree on that, though maybe he hadn’t told them that part. All they had to know was that he’d survive. 

**Author's Note:**

> Please consider leaving a comment!! They make me happy :D 
> 
> you can find me on [tumblr](https://cassiecasyl.tumblr.com)!


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